Mean

Y’all know Taylor Swift, right? If you don’t than you must live under a rock. Now I’m not talking about the pop star, I’m talking about the old old Taylor. The vulnerable, young country singer, Taylor Swift. All of her is great don’t get me wrong, but as I’m laying in bed, trying to let my mind rest, I can’t help but truly listen to her old music.

“Hey Alexa, play Mean by Taylor Swift.” This is the song that has solved my writers block. “All you’re ever gonna be is mean…why you gotta be so mean?” This lyric has been racing through my head. Why?

Not entirely sure if all my readers have listened/watched my testimony, but if you have, than y’all know my battles with my father (which I’ll paste the link at the bottom of this page). This song is everything. It describes my emotions towards him, my heart ache, my long for his endless love and support. It explains that no matter what I DO, He’ll never be happy or proud of me…he’ll always be MEAN. As heartbreaking as it is, I have to accept it. I’m almost 21, I’ve lived with, near, and been around him for 20 years. He’ll NEVER change, unless he comes to an Oprah aha moment. But from past experiences with him and seeing him and I in dark places, you’d think he would have had that moment by now. Some people just don’t change.

Guess what? Who cares! Who cares if he never changes. Who cares if he doesn’t love me? Not I. Who cares if he chooses materialistic objects or other people over his own daughter? I don’t care. Who cares if her father treats his child like shit? I don’t give a flying duck anymore. Now Im not giving him ANY excuse or shredding light on him for his actions/behavior. I am just proving my point that I don’t CARE ANYMORE. I cared for 20 years and what did it do to me? This “relationship” sent me through a spiraling tunnel. This tunnel that had absolutely no light at the end. A tunnel that you’d rather harm yourself than stay in it. A tunnel that has so much control over you, that you put on a smile for everyone to see, but a frown when you’re alone. I don’t like this tunnel.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. I have officially reached my BREAKING POINT. And you know what? It feels incredible. He doesn’t have any control over me anymore. He’s just a person to me. He’s not my father. Sure, he helped create me, but he never taught me things a father should. I have father figures in my life now, and that’s all that matters. I have people that love me. Not just love me, people that TRULY, UNCONDITIONALLY, LOVE THE PISS OUTTA ME type of love. Which I’m beyond thankful for. I’m so thankful for such a positive bubble around me. YOU ALL MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. I love you and can’t wait to see where my mind takes me next. Until next time, my friends and family💓